Narcissists use lies and manipulation to control. They are master wordsmiths, twisting words to shift blame. They never accept responsibility for their transgressions or consider anyone beyond themselves and their desires. Narcissists invade the lives and the hearts of the vulnerable much like gangrene infects an injured limb, systematically spreading it’s disease until all they have attached themselves to has become useless and unable to function.
I spent eleven years with my narcissist, being fed a steady diet of lies. Big and small, there was not a single day of those eleven years that was not tainted by twisted words, manipulations or outright falsehoods. Looking back, trying to find kernels of truth is harder than finding the proverbial needle in a haystack.
My narcissist lied when he promised me a future, promised me the world. He lied when he told me he wanted to marry me and grow old together. He lied about that happily ever after dream he systematically built up and dangled like a carrot to get me to hold on and keep going. The truth is, narcissists never make long term plans. They only stick around as long as they feel it benefits them or until they can line up their next mark.
My narcissist thrived off control. In order to maintain his control, he needed to isolate me. He lied again and again, convincing me that each and every one of my friends all either wanted me for themselves or were jealous of our relationship and hoped to destroy it. He insisted I should remove everyone that was toxic to our relationship. He needed to eliminate my support system so I would have no one to rely on except him. He lied when he claimed it was my friends who were unhealthy in my life. The truth is that he was the toxic one.
My narcissist needed the attention of others to validate his self-worth. He lied and minimized his infidelities as minor transgressions. He twisted situations, blaming everything from his poor self-image caused by the abuses and neglect of his past, or even me, for his cheating. He deflected anger and hurt that was justified, informing me I was the one hurting our relationship because I could not let go of his repeated infidelities. He lied when he placed blame on anyone else. He lied every time he swore he was sorry and it would not happen again. The truth is that he chose to continue to cheat and he alone was to blame for his choices.
My narcissist lied when he told me I was being too pushy or controlling. He could not properly play his games if he had to account for his whereabouts or where his money has gone. He twisted every situation so that I was at fault. It is not unreasonable to want to understand why a flat tire made him 6 hours late coming home or where a steady stream of money kept going. It was not controlling to ask for a call if he was going to be more than thirty minutes late coming from work so that dinner could be adjusted accordingly. It was not unreasonable to want to know where hundreds of dollars disappeared to each month when bills became due. The truth is that a narcissist never wants to answer questions or account for anything because it unravels the lies they have told.
My narcissist lied to his friends and his lovers about me. I wasn’t a pathetic emotional mess he was saddled with, nor did I do nothing but make his life harder. I revolved my life around him in every way he asked and more, from waking up early everyday to make his coffee to always having dinner on the table when he got home. He was graced with massages and foot baths daily, homemade baked goods whenever he wanted a snack and head rubs when he couldn’t sleep. Never once was he denied intimacy, though he often pushed me away. He was doted on and loved more than he ever deserved or reciprocated. He lied to them because he needed me to be the scapegoat to cast blame for all that was wrong in his life. The truth is that he never appreciated all that he had.
My narcissist lied when he convinced me I was broken and flawed. Again and again, he would point out all that was wrong with me, shattering my self esteem and convincing me I was lucky to have him. I am not all the disgusting and horrible names he had called me out of anger or to break my spirit; I am still the same beautiful soul I have always been. The truth is that I’ve had strangers treat me with more respect and compassion than he ever showed me; I’ve had people who disliked me treat me with more courtesy than he ever did. He was the one broken and flawed, so much so that he needed to systematically destroy someone else in order to raise himself up higher.
My narcissist lied when he told me I would never find anyone better than him. He lied when he told me I would never find anyone who would treat me better than he did. He was not God’s gift to women nor God’s gift to me. The truth is that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. I, and others like me, are a beautiful blessing because, though we’ve been injured and devastated before, we continue to love and trust with all of our hearts. The truth is that he had a chance to have something very real and lasting and foolishly threw it away because he preferred to play games.
My narcissist lied to my family and friends. He pretended to be this amazing man who loved me with all his heart. He wooed my children and told them he considered them like his own. He manipulated what friends he couldn’t convince me to discard into believing he always had my best interest at heart and considered them all family, too. The truth is that none of them mattered to him any more than I did. We were all easily discarded and forgotten because the only one a narcissist cares about is themselves.
Perhaps the biggest lie my narcissist told me was that he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. A narcissist only knows how to love themselves because they do not consider anyone beyond themselves. The only commitment a narcissist can honor is the one they make to themselves because they are incapable of giving any part of their heart to anyone else. The truth is that he only ever loved himself. I was never even a consideration.
The biggest truth of it all is that, though he found me wounded by life and easily manipulated, I am stronger than he ever could have imagined. I have lived through worse than him. I will survive the shattering he caused in my life and I will learn from my experiences with him. I will continue on in life and I will be happy again. He may have broken my heart, but he could never break my soul. In time, I shall heal. The truth is that he is the one who is broken so badly that no amount of love could fix it.
The biggest truth that he will never see is that he will never truly find happiness because he cannot acknowledge his sickness, own his behavior or accept the fact that he needs help.
The biggest truth I need to remember is that I am strong enough to get past him and I will be okay.