I lost a friend recently and it tore my heart and soul in two.
I confess that after originally writing this blog, I deleted it. I have since returned and gutted it, removing all details and leaving behind only vague sentiments because it kills me to think anything I’ve written about how I felt has hurt him. I have since edited it multiple times, trying to find a balance between discussing my feelings and showing compassion towards someone who once meant a great deal to me. The blog has, much like the friendship, been forever altered and lost along the way, a bare shell of what it once was.
I have bravely faced the traumas of my past, discussed rape and sexual abuse without flinching, written about the abuses I’ve endured through a wall of tears, all without backspacing or deleting a single word. Yet somehow the thought of speaking a negative word about someone I once held so dear to my heart gave me pause and made me second guess myself and pull this blog from my site.
The truth of the matter was that, though I was hurting inside myself, I feared hurting him and irreparably damaging our friendship more. I’ve lost so much in life – I was terrified of losing him, too. Despite how much his words and actions have hurt me, I still thought fondly of him and was overly protective, not wanting anyone to think poorly of him. I still found myself wishing I could be there for him. I wished things could be the way they used to be. I missed having him in my life.
However the truth is that he hurt me terribly and damaged our friendship beyond repair. I know I’ve done things that have hurt him, too, and for that I am truly sorry. Unfortunately, though, some words once spoken cannot be taken back; Some actions cannot be undone. I know it bothered him that I’ve written this about him, but I am allowed to say he hurt me. I am allowed to say he has broken my heart. And I am allowed to let go and walk away so that I can begin to heal and move on in life.
Please know that I wrote this not to hurt him but rather for my own healing because I can no longer hold my pain inside. I wrote because my soul has been cracked and broken so thoroughly that holding this in would have shattered me. I needed to let it out. I also needed to pull away so I could process things and make sense of it all. I need to heal.
Funny how I could live with my ex for eleven years, yet losing this friend left a bigger crater in my heart than my ex’s departure ever could.