Cutting Free

Today, I cut all ties with someone who once meant a great deal to me.  It isn’t that I didn’t love him as a person.  He claimed even to love me back.

It is that how he treated me was wrong.  It was unacceptable.  He made me repeatedly feel like I was nothing, worthless, like I didn’t matter.

Ironically his last message to me had numerous lines that echoed almost verbatim from the abuses of my childhood, words that still haunted me decades later.

He broke my heart repeatedly and tried to blame me for it because I chose to put my heart out there in the first place.  He felt he bore no responsibility because I kept choosing to care.

I used to believe that love could overcome everything.  What can I say? I’m a hopeless romantic at heart.  But I know now that sometimes all the love in the world can’t fix some things.

I don’t claim to be perfect in all of this.  I know I’ve made mistakes, too, and I’ve hurt him over the years, as well. He’s been quick to remind me of it all so I’ll never forget.

But I’ve never point blank told him that he meant nothing or just wasn’t worth the effort.

Once a relationship has gotten so bad, so toxic, that I find myself crying and wanting to just give up, give in, it is time to say enough, let go and cut the ties.

No friendship, no love, NOTHING is worth holding onto once it begins hurting me so badly that I begin thinking, even for a moment, about giving up.

Love should never feel that way.  You don’t intentionally try to hurt those you love.  You don’t try to break the people that love you.

Love is supposed to be gentle, kind, compassionate and understanding. Love doesn’t belittle, talk down to you like you’re stupid or damaged or worthless.

Whatever that was, it was not love.  It was not healthy.  It had to go. Before it killed me.  Before I became consumed with thoughts of escaping that pain.

Everything deleted. Everything blocked. Everything done.

No one is worth giving up on life over.

Nobody has the right to come into my life and inflict that much damage and hurt.

Anyone who makes me feel that worthless, that hopeless, that unlovable, that lost, that I find myself longing for the pain to stop for even for a single moment does not deserve a place in my life or in my heart.

When he tore into me tonight, that edge clearly came into view.  It beckoned, whispering those sweet lies about a peaceful release.  Much like he said to me tonight, I, in turn told that edge “Fuck you”.

It cannot have me.

And neither can he.

I’ve cut all ties.

It hurts like hell.

But I’ll survive and I’ll eventually be okay.

Because I’ll still be alive.

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