It is 10am. I woke up an hour ago. An ache in my bladder woke me up yet I lay here immobile.
It is 11:30am. I am still in bed. My stomach has begun to growl and grumble yet I’m honestly not feeling hungry. The cramps have increased as my stomach and bladder vie for attention. Yet I am still laying in bed.
I know that I have to get up, that I should give up, but there’s a booming voice in my head asking “Why bother?”, reminding me nothing is going to get better, there’s nothing I can do to change anything, that I might as well just stay in bed. I cannot disagree. I’m too mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted to argue. So I just lay here.
It is 1pm. I have been laying in bed for 4 hours now, tormenting myself over my inaction. I have drifted back to sleep here and there for a few minutes but it was a fitful, restless sleep. I cannot remember the last time I slept well. If I stay awake long enough, I might pass out from exhaustion for a few hours but otherwise my sleep come in random spurts. My mind never stops racing, never stops running, reminding me of all I should be doing, all I haven’t done, the person I believe I should be and the reality of how broken I feel.
I manage to pull myself out of bed to pee. My stomach is still growling and grumbling. I know I have to eat but I have no desire. Nothing sounds good. I curl up on the couch with my legs tucked beneath me, wrapped in a blanket. At least I’m out of bed.
I mindlessly snack on some stale chips or cookies left out nearby or I pop open a can of soup. I don’t bother heating it up or even putting it in a bowl because I don’t honestly want it anyway. I rationalize that I’m dirtying less dishes this way and figure at least I’m eating something. It’s about all I can do for self-care today.
I hate my life. I hate myself. I hate that I cannot function.
I feel like I’ve let everyone in my life down, that I’ve let myself down. I don’t understand what is wrong with me. I pull my blanket more tightly around myself and just cry.
I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew how to fix things. I wish I could stop feeling like this. I wish I could just be happy. I wish a thousand things that I know will never come to pass because this is just what my life is.
As hard as I try to cling to something positive, any glimmer of hope, my world feels hopeless. I desperately want to be happy. I just want to be okay. I just don’t know how.
It’s 5pm. I’m still sitting on the couch in the same pajamas I have been wearing for three days now. I know I should shower but I haven’t really done anything to get myself dirty so I figure it can be put off another day. At least I got out of bed today and I ate something.
I’ve wasted the last few hours halfheartedly browsing the web, looking at reminders of all my friends and family happily going on with their lives without me. I’d reach out and touch base but why bring them down? I wish I could have things together, too, something, anything. I wish I wasn’t such a mess. I miss them but at the same time I can’t help but believe they’re better off when I keep my distance. Nobody needs my mess in their life. Maybe I’ll reach out next week or next month or whenever I finally find a way to pull myself together. But not today.
It’s 9pm. I’ve spent the last few hours attempting to watch something on television or Netflix or to read a book. I can’t really tell you what any of it was about, though, because I kept zoning out. I must have watched the same scenes or read the same pages three or four times before giving up. I tell myself that it doesn’t really matter anyway. I was just trying to pass the time.
I wander into the bathroom to pee, hoping to empty my bladder so it doesn’t wake me up tomorrow. My stomach has started growling again but I don’t feel like eating so I make excuses about it being too late anyway and that I don’t want to add any more dishes to those I should have washed yesterday. I figure I’ll just eat when I wake up tomorrow.
I crawl back in bed. I know that it’ll be hours before I fall asleep but it really doesn’t matter. I just want to lay down. Even though I haven’t done anything today, I feel mentally and emotionally exhausted.
I’m not being lazy.
I’m not having a pity party.
I am suffering from depression.
This has been me on so many days. These days are so alike they’re interchangeable and bleed together into one another. It is just a small glimpse of what one random day with depression looks like behind closed doors.